Stressing.

I'm trying to remain positive. But that is not always easy.

I need to vent badly, but i can't vent to alex. He has already given an opinion about it, and usually that means he doesn't want to hear more. I can't vent here either. Just simply. Everyone is faced with choices, unfortunately some of those choices disclude others. It is just simply mean. No one person is blind to others around them - Even if they try to be. If i am some how blind to one, or have been dropped from some vision of another. Then there is something wrong.

But i have no regrets in my actions, they are sensible to me. My choices may have diminished my time to do what i enjoy, but i try and make time on my days off. But i see things wrong in actions of another, and it hurts. Deeply.


I get the pleasure of being in my hometown, i get the pleasure of not worrying about money, i get the pleasure to have my sincere loving but annoying boyfriend. Which btw brings me to another thing i wanted to mention. I recognize my cruelty to alex. He annoys the shit out of me sometimes, okay most of the time. Its when he has pissed me off to the fullest that we fight even if only a few minutes - i feel relieved and happier. And just then when he gives up on playing around. I want to play and annoy because i hate to see him sad. Seriously for as obliviously happy he is, it is just horrible to see him sad. God i love him! But still i wish i were nicer to him, but i can only be nicer when he is actually not pissing me off. If i say no, stop, please stop, ect. It doesn't matter to him. So hence this wonderful cycle we go through sometimes daily, sometimes faster or slower. Faster generally. But it can skip a day.


So yep, tis glorious and emotional right now. Being positive isn't easy. I unpacked 2 boxes the other day, we've lived there for 2 months and yea. Life is so hecktic, that i don't have time to do what makes me feel best. That basically is stay at home, do my work outs, and sleep. No disruptions. As in i put everything else in my life to the side and curl up into an anti social ball, until curiousity about the outside world grabs my attention. I mean fuck im half way there, i never get to talk to some friends, and some friends dont talk to me - and its not even on account of fighting or not being available. I'm literally just a few steps away from my anti social ball phase. And it lasts awhile.


Well nothing can be perfect in the perfect new apartment world of me and alex in oklahoma.